A Doctor Who fan from way back. I also get into Star Trek, LOTR and many other things. I'm interested in lots of stuff, so I won't limit it to these shows. This blog will be about anything and everything that is of interest to me, but it will be mostly Doctor Who and a splash of whatever else I may feel like posting.
I commented on Ed’s video, explaining that by continuing to bring this situation up, he is holding my recovery back. I am continually forced to relive months of abuse because of his actions. Because he finds it too difficult to not tweet or upload videos. Life is so hard for serial rapists. The whole video is about how he’s trying to become a better man, so yknow… I thought not stressing out the girl he raped, manipulated and abused would be his top priority.
He deleted the comment. So … Apparently not.
You can say “he owes his audience nothing” - but can you honestly say that he owes me nothing? Do I not deserve just a little bit of peace? Do I not deserve to have him listen to my words and take in to account just how much he’s ruined my life?
All I want is to be left alone, to stop having panic attacks. To stop reliving everything over and over.
I want to be the girl I was before he followed me home one night and schemed his way in to my flat under the guise of “I don’t want you walking home alone, you’ll be safer with me. I just need to come inside and charge my phone”.
He told me he wanted to kiss me and I just laughed and said “this is awkward” because I didn’t know what else to say, he was already in my home. I didn’t want to kiss him and so I said lamely “you have a girlfriend”. I stared intensely at my knees but he demanded I look at him. I told him I had a
tshirt with his name on it in my wardrobe and his albums on my computer. He ignored me.
After the third time asking me to look at him, I did and he kissed me. I didn’t kiss back so he told me to open my mouth. He got a bit frustrated when I didn’t. I was so nervous and shaky. I didn’t feel like I could say no. It was 100% obvious at this point that I did not want to have sex with him. He didn’t care. Then he switched the light off and I asked him what he was doing, he told me to be quiet and just pushed me back on the bed. He told me afterwards that I shouldn’t cry and he wiped away my tears. For 8 months after that I was in some weird self destructive spiral because of his actions, and he consistently abused and manipulated that. He told me that I was special and wonderful and beautiful and when I mentioned that I’d never said yes, he just brushed over it. He told me he needed me. I told myself that I must have wanted it otherwise I would have screamed no. A few months later I did say no, firmly. Thinking that i wouldn’t make the same mistake again. I told him I wanted him to leave me alone and he hit me and told me that I was ungrateful, that he’d been so nice to me so how dare I refuse. That didn’t stop him then either though.
He took away the safeness of home. He took away any self confidence I had. I will never be the person I was before. I don’t feel safe in the company of friends any more. I find it unbelievably difficult to trust anyone. I’m cynical and I’m bitter and I hate myself for it. I lost all my friends within the youtube community. He took everything away from me - and I wasn’t the only girl he did this to.
Before accepting him back just please please, remember what he’s done and remember that people are still hurting because of him. That in the song, he belittles raping me and ruining my life to just a simple regret that he has. That in the song he says he’ll use the experience of raping me and fucking over every girl he has ever been with to make him in to a better man. Women are not pawns in the life of Ed Blann, we don’t exist to make him a better man.
Just please, don’t fall for false apologies and his false claims of making himself better.